Memories and Affirmations

I had to go through some high school stuff last night to retrieve the papers for the Cabbage Patch Kids I’m going to try and sell on Ebay. (Note: no, it’s not like I thought Cabbage Patch dolls were fun to play with in High School, but that’s when they came out, and “everyone was doing it,” and it was a cultural experience) Digging through stuff like this always brings up emotions. Unfortunately, my main conclusion is that I don’t like myself. Oh, not in a tragic, I’m an ax murderer or child abuser sort of way, no, I just am not a big fan of me.
Of course, this recrimination of myself, be it my high school self or my current self is not particularly useful. I find I wander down this road, and it dead ends in sadness or depression or confusion. I could elaborate all the things that I don’t like about my high school self, but what’s the point? I can’t go back and do it over.
Of course the pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps kind of folks would say that I should identify all of those things I don’t like about myself (now) and change them. This is true to a certain extent, but the exercise of identifying all the things I don’t like is really really painful, and as I’ve been doing some of that in therapy, and then finding that my barometer of those things I don’t like about myself is as off kilter as anything else.
I’m reading this: Making a Living without Having a Job, and one of the things that she emphasizes is that you can’t really accomplish anything without having self esteem. She encourages using affirmations (a ala Stuart Smalley): “Affirmation are more than just giving yourself a pat on the back. Constructing a positive statement compels you to be crystal clear about your objectives, your goals, and your desires.”
OK, so as this is my journal – let me try and start with one: “I am….open to new ideas.”
What about you? Do you have an affirmation?

Advertisements

1 year, no work; 4.5 years married

November 14th marked the 1 year anniversary of my leaving MS. In some ways, it’s been the most interesting year of my life. I’ve had an awful lot of time to think about myself, and yet I’m not sure of how much I’ve learned (I vacillate between a lot and nothing at all). I’m disappointed that I’ve not found that “thing”; the thing that was going to change my life. However, try as I might I haven’t found the dream, or my passion, or my calling, or whatever you want to call it. I continue to read, to think, to try and figure “it” out, but the upshot is that I haven’t made significant money in awhile, and that’s not a position with which I’m really comfortable. So, I’ve decided to re-double my efforts on E-bay (I want to cash in on Christmas), and I think I’ll be doing some computer tutoring. In some ways, getting a “job” would be easier, but I don’t want to feel the way I did when I left MS again. I thought it was just burnout, but it was deeper than that.

November 21st marked the 4.5 year anniversary of our marriage. I’m still incredibly glad I got married. In some ways, it has been the most fulfilling experience of my life. Even though we have difficulties from time to time, there’s nothing that has been anywhere near as the most difficult experience of my life. Every single relationship I had was at least 10 times more difficult than this one. And yet, there are times when I look at him and say “I don’t know how to do this…I’ve never been married before.” The upshot is that it can be confusing and confounding and frustrating, but always worth it.

I still feel like I’m in the chrysalis stage. I’d really like to become “me” someday. The older I get, the less I know. But at least I know I love the Shweetie.

Which NY Times Op-Ed Columnist are you?

Maureen Dowd
You are Maureen Dowd! You like to give people silly
nicknames and write in really short, non
sequitur paragraphs. You’re the most playful of
the columnists and a rock-ribbed liberal, but
are often accused of being too flamboyant and
frivolous. You tend to focus on style over
substance, personality over politics. But your
heart is in the right place. Plus, you are a
total fox.

Which New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Seattle Choral Company Presents “Strike the Harp”: Christmas Music from America’s Past

The Seattle Choral Company, under the direction of their Founder, Fred Coleman, will kick off the holiday season on December 4 with “Strike the Harp: Christmas Music from America’s Past.”  The performances will take place on Saturday, December 4, at Meany Theater, located on the University of Washington campus.  There will be two performances, one at 2:00pm and one at 8:00pm.

More/Ticket Information

I’m a sap

We have DirecTV. We have the basic package + HBO + HD + DVR. But we don’t pay extra for any of the other channels (why? cause well, who needs more channels?). This weekend is a free preview weekend for the plus package. It includes, among other things, this Music Choice channel, which plays non-stop Broadway. Yes, Broadway. Like I said, I’m a sap…whenever we have this free preview I listen to almost nothing else the whole weekend. Oh, yes, we could just pay the extra $1, but I sort of like the specialness (is that a word?) of having it from time to time. If I had it all the time, it would lose its appeal.

Speaking of Broadway, we saw Return to the Forbidden Planet by the Microsoft Theater Troupe last night. Tonight is the last night, so I heartily recommend you go see it if you’re local. The show is so much fun (Shakespeare’s The Tempest set to Rock and Roll music with a 60’s era Sci Fi theme…how can you lose?). I wish I could do theater again, but now that I’m SCC President, I can’t, cause well, I’m already rehearsing at least one (and sometimes more) nights a week, plus I have board meetings. *sigh*