Take this memory please

I have an almost phobic reaction to paper. My father is an historian, and loves family notes, letters, pictures, etc. I however, feel as if a tremendous weight is created by these things. While there is part of me that appreciates that they exist, I don’t want them to exist here. I don’t want to have to deal with their storage, filing, organizing, or preservation. I will do anything I can to avoid being handed paper to do something with.

Today, I went through a file box from 1998 with the intention of clearing it out and using it for 2008’s paperwork. First of all, I dislike that here in 2009 we still *have* paperwork. I really would love to handle everything electronically, if I could, but there are still some things that are paper. However, I’ve figured out over time that I no longer need to keep most receipts, which is good.

Secondly, my reaction to this exercise is mostly one of revulsion. Instead of looking back through this stuff as a collection of fond memories, I find that I am just disappointed in myself – what I spent money on, what I wrote, what I did or didn’t do. Sure, there’s a healthy amount of self hatred here, but really, I’m just fine day to day if I’m not reminded of all this. I much prefer to live, I guess, “in the moment,” and not look back.

Ah, but I blog, right? Well, I do find the act of blogging to be somewhat therapeutic, and since I choose what I write (and it’s not on paper), I can look back at blog entries without that same revulsion. Also, really, since getting married, I no longer wish to wake up dead. Yeah, that’s right, I used to wish/pray, when I went to sleep at night, that I would die before morning. Actually, it took awhile after we were married to get rid of that, since I also hated work. Now, I just wake up and enjoy the fact that my husband still loves me 🙂 and that my job doesn’t suck (well, most of the time). Progress is good.

*sigh* back to the paperwork – gotta get my taxes together 🙂